you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
