the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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