she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
