life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
