The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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