I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
