Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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