We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I know her cup size but not her name....
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