I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
