Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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