All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
you had me at cake vodka
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
