He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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