Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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