Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
