Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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