Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
we're so committed to being not committed
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
