I'm pants shitting drunk right now
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Randomize
