"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Randomize
