It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Randomize
