Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
