Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
