I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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