Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
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