so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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