Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
