just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
