Hey man sorry I got all grabby
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
My dad just said "fuck circus"
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
