i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Randomize
