Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
