I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
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