I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Pants are for mortals
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
