Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
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