once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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