I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
