You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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