if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
