So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
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