cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
