If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
