That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
