one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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