someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
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