she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
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