If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Dick very happy bro
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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