Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
