Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
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