I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
