Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
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