Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
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