I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize