Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
