His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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