I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
