Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
