Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Randomize
