At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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