Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
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