Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
you had me at cake vodka
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
