Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize
