im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
