I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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